so I’m a little nervous…it’s normal right? November 19, 2008

Alright, so finally, after months of pleading for the opportunity to have children…we may finally be taking that step. Back in March I was devastated that I lost the baby, and it only amplified my desire to have children.

Alex, however, wasn’t ready back in March, but agreed that we could start trying in January of 2009. Well, I did some re-calculating and decided that in order for this to best work out for my job, we should ideally have the baby by the end of September next year…which puts us trying to concieve..oh..right about now.  So, I figured we’re really only adding on one more cycle..surely Alex won’t freak out too much. Yeah, apparently I was dead wrong on that one. It’s been nothing but awkward for the last few days. He feels like he’s being pushed, I feel like he’s not taking me into consideration at all…and essentially all of this is making me miserable. I wish he could want this as much as I do. I wish he could realize what a great dad he’ll be. I wish he would stop worrying about paying the house off tomorrow and start realizing that very few people have everything paid off when they start having children. and most off all..I wish I could be happy waiting a few months, or a year longer, so he doesn’t feel like I’m pressuring him. I want this to be a happy time in our lives, and right now he’s only able to point out how “horrible” things would be if we had a child now.

I understand that he’s just thinking of our family, and that he wants to make sure that we have everything covered…but sometimes I wish he could just put all of it aside (I realize that he may want me to put all of my thoughts aside too). I also think he’s just a little bit scared of the idea of becoming a parent. Which, really I don’t blame him…I’m the one that really wants to have children, but I’m terrified of being a parent. Well, okay, not terrified, but I am nervous. There’s not an owner’s manual on how to take care of children. There’s not really a wrong or right way on most things.

At this point I just keep hoping that he’s able to calm down and decide if this is something he thinks he can handle right now. I don’t want to push my husband into have children with me…but I also don’t want to plan everything based on his time frame. Either way, for now I am off of my pills(yes, he knows I stopped taking them)…and we’ll see where things go.

Halloween and then some… November 3, 2008

Good Afternoon Internet! I can’t believe it’s November already. It seems like it was just yesterday when we were camping in Brown County. But it’s been almost three months. I feel as though we were robbed of fall this year. It’s not that the weather wasn’t fabulous, because it was. It’s just that we have been far too busy to enjoy it. No evening strolls with the dog, no raking leaves and drinking hot cider.

We decided to slow things down a little this weekend. Usually we spend our Halloween weekends dressed up and slightly intoxicated. This year was quite a different story. We spent the night passing out goodies to Trick or Treaters and ooh and ahhing over the little kids and their costumes, and then finally settling down on the couch with some classic horror films.

The night, however, didn’t start off as nice as it sounds. Instead we kicked off our Halloween night with a trip to my physical therapist. Alex actually was able to go with me on Friday, since it was his day off. It was so nice that he was able to hear what the therapist had to say. (It’s not that he doesn’t understand that I’m in pain…but it’s more that he can’t comprehend that there are some things I shouldn’t be doing, or that I just physically can’t do.) The appointment itself wasn’t completely horrible. I had a different therapist this time (Sonya, and I think I’ll be trying to stay on her schedule). She seemed like she really knew what she was talking about, and she was more than willing to work with me on my exercises a bit.

The real kicker of the appointment..was more like a punch in the stomach. We were talking about my workouts (they’re apparently restricted now to light workouts, maybe even cutting out my weekly pilates) and she mentioned that it’s not going to be a realistic goal for me to start running again. I’m sure I looked devastated, because she said she felt as if she had just killed all of my dreams and hopes for the future. I guess, looking back now, I really did feel that way. I’ve had a goal of completing my first 5k (I know..not a huge goal..but it would be huge for me considering I’m not really a runner) for about a year now. I had to stop training in August when I hurt my back, but I’ve been looking forward to getting back out there again. Unfortunately, running seems to trigger my back spasms. So, like my therapist said, it doesn’t make a lot of sense for me to keep up with the running. But now my workout have been restricted and I can’t run..so I’m a little down. I’ve been trying to lose some weight since January and have been a regular at the gym since them. It’s really hard for me not to head into the gym after a hard day at work, and it’s frustrating because I have been trying to lose weight. It’s also frustrating because I’ve been working so hard and I feel like I’ve completely failed. The exercises I’ve been working on are horrible. I’m lucky to do one set of 10, let alone the other 4 sets I’m supposed to be doing.

Needless to say, by the time we were leaving the office I was almost in tears…and then to top it off… Alex gets in the car and starts commenting about how he told me my core muscles were weak and how I haven’t done much in the gym. I couldn’t help myself..I just started crying uncontrollably…and this didn’t last just a couple minutes. I mean..I cried the entire way home, and then went straight to bed and cried until the doorbell rang at least an hour later. Of course the joke was on me…because I looked horrible as all of the neighborhood kids came by for Trick or Treating.

The rest of the night ended up much better than it started out…but boy are my abs sore from all of my exercises!