Alright, so finally, after months of pleading for the opportunity to have children…we may finally be taking that step. Back in March I was devastated that I lost the baby, and it only amplified my desire to have children.
Alex, however, wasn’t ready back in March, but agreed that we could start trying in January of 2009. Well, I did some re-calculating and decided that in order for this to best work out for my job, we should ideally have the baby by the end of September next year…which puts us trying to concieve..oh..right about now. So, I figured we’re really only adding on one more cycle..surely Alex won’t freak out too much. Yeah, apparently I was dead wrong on that one. It’s been nothing but awkward for the last few days. He feels like he’s being pushed, I feel like he’s not taking me into consideration at all…and essentially all of this is making me miserable. I wish he could want this as much as I do. I wish he could realize what a great dad he’ll be. I wish he would stop worrying about paying the house off tomorrow and start realizing that very few people have everything paid off when they start having children. and most off all..I wish I could be happy waiting a few months, or a year longer, so he doesn’t feel like I’m pressuring him. I want this to be a happy time in our lives, and right now he’s only able to point out how “horrible” things would be if we had a child now.
I understand that he’s just thinking of our family, and that he wants to make sure that we have everything covered…but sometimes I wish he could just put all of it aside (I realize that he may want me to put all of my thoughts aside too). I also think he’s just a little bit scared of the idea of becoming a parent. Which, really I don’t blame him…I’m the one that really wants to have children, but I’m terrified of being a parent. Well, okay, not terrified, but I am nervous. There’s not an owner’s manual on how to take care of children. There’s not really a wrong or right way on most things.
At this point I just keep hoping that he’s able to calm down and decide if this is something he thinks he can handle right now. I don’t want to push my husband into have children with me…but I also don’t want to plan everything based on his time frame. Either way, for now I am off of my pills(yes, he knows I stopped taking them)…and we’ll see where things go.
